Long Hollow

Five Things on Friday

April 12, 2013

1. Last night I attended a funeral for the mother of one of my long-time, closest friends. Hers was one of the houses where we all congregrated, from middle school on up (I had my first kiss on the sidewalk in front of that house)… and now my friend opens up her home to all of us for get-togethers as well.

My – oh, I'll go ahead and use the word – 'old' classmates and I filled several rows, and even my mother tagged along with me. One of the guys got up and spoke about his memories – our memories – but I have to admit, when he said the words "forty years ago" and "back in the day", I cringed at the truth of it. We are old! Argh.

But we're also forever young, thanks to those memories. Rest in peace and thank you for putting up with us, Mrs. Stanley, and thanks for speaking for all of us, Randy.

2. I saw a news report about cicadas that said they only appear every 17 years. Well, if that's true, I want to know what the heck we have around here every single summer that does a perfect impersonation of a cicada!

3. Just when I decided I needed to give something up for lack of time, whether my blog or my book or photography, I had a request to purchase some photos, an idea for a{nother} children's book that wouldn't leave me alone, I passed to the next level on a paid online writing gig, and I got a lot of attention on my blog.

Murphy's Law, but in a good way for a change.

But I'm still trying to figure out how to do it all…

4. My girlfriends pitched in and gave me a gift card for my birthday for me to buy a pair of cowgirl boots to wear to the rehearsal dinner for my son's wedding.

(It's a Texas thing. I had a great pair of boots…but then had three kids. Now TG has a great pair of boots, and I have my mother's which are about a half size too small.)

Anyway, I'm in a quandary. I'm tempted to squeeze my foot into my mother's boots that night, and use the gift card to {mostly} pay for an iPad or Kindle or something like that. Several of my friends have written e-books, and I have them on my computer, but I have limited time at home in front of my computer. I can't even keep up with my book writing or photo editing, so their books are still unread, along with tons of blog posts and articles, because I can't read them on my iPhone.

I'm thinking if I got an iPad, I could tuck it in my purse and stay caught up with my friends' writings. Sure, I'd look cute in a pair of Heritage Westerns, with jeans tucked in or a cute summery dress, and two-stepping in wedges is kind of a challenge, but…

See the fix I'm in?

If any of you has an iPad or a Kindle or other similar device, please share your input and help me with this decision before it drives me crazy!

5. I'm happy to report that I've had a couple of mouse-turd-free days since retrieving the last one from the back seat and tossing it into the woods. Fingers crossed they've decided my car isn't the luxury hotel they were hoping for!

P.S. The onion flowers are back!

(Yes, that's technically 6 things. But I had to share these – such simple elegance in our little bit of woods.)

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Oh, my aching back…

April 9, 2013

So yesterday, I get home from work and Tom tells me he needs my help, which makes me happy, because he rarely accepts help on his projects. That's the artist in him, I think.

Anyway, he needed my help lifting a heavy rock he'd found on one of his scavenger hunts through the countryside in his little Suzuki Samurai. (His latest project is building a stone driveway, just like the stone terrace down by our little pond and our front walkway…only multiplied by like a zillion because it's a long driveway! Crazy man.)

So I changed clothes and we headed off in the Suzuki, ultimately driving off the road into a wooded area. This huge flat rock rested about twenty feet away. As a team, we lifted it and carried it to the Suzuki. On the way, I felt a tug in my back, but we were almost there, so I just kept going and tried not to make any sudden moves or twists.

I forgot about it until this morning, when after one small movement I felt this TWANG where the tug used to be, followed by pain so intense it took my breath away for a minute. So I called the man with tons of back pain experience - Tom – and he reminded me we have an inversion table.

I'm happy to say that after ibuprofen, ten minutes on the inversion table, ten minutes on a heating pad, thirty minutes of light jogging on the treadmill, and some careful stretching, I was able to go to work.

Well, after I removed the mouse from the back floorboard of my car and tossed it into the woods, that is.

And after I heard that one of my dear friends lost her mother unexpectedly yesterday morning. (Please keep her and her family in your prayers!)

The rest of the day wasn't so bad. I had a request to purchase some photos, a positive reply to a writing job application I submitted, one of my posts was featured on the front page of GenerationFabulous.com, and I met a lovely couple at work who immigrated to Austin from Russia twenty years ago but still have fabulous accents. Oh, and I had an optimistic email reply for another potential job.

Tonight my back is still a little achy, but it's just a good reminder that my body doesn't like surprises. I need to work out every day, and I've been slipping lately. It's the only body I have and I need to take care of it.

I hope you all had a wonderful day. (To my blog friends…I've been very neglectful but I hope you forgive me. Once I get these to-do lists under control again, I'll be making the rounds. I miss you! Thank you for coming by to see me, anyway!)

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see.

~John Burroughs

Sigh.

~me
Birthdays, Austin Adventures, and other Sweet!s

April 8, 2013

Once you reach a certain age, numbers become surreal. They change (faster and faster and faster) but you feel the same.

Wasn't it only yesterday I was cage dancing in honor of my 50th birthday?

Way back in my thirties and forties, I set some goals for myself. By my 50th birthday, I planned to have graduated with at least a bachelor's degree and have a book published. There was also some vague notion that I would be able to play something that resembled music on my drums.

As that birthday approached, I cut myself some slack and extended the deadline to my 55th birthday. Surely that would be enough time to accomplish at least one of those goals.

Well, here I am at 54, and I know if the good Lord lets me reach my 55th birthday, odds are it's going to be without a degree or a published book, and my drumming will most likely continue to be a lot of loud noise that makes me happy…and everyone else want to plug their ears.

At first I thought about extending the deadline for those goals to 60. Instead, I'm tossing deadlines aside. Period. There are still dreams I'd like to see come true, but life is hard enough without the extra pressure we put on ourselves.

So more than ever, my goal for this year is just to take life as it comes, day by day, and do the best I can.

If I never get any closer to realizing those dreams than where I'm standing today, I'm okay with that. It's a good place, no, it's a great place to be.

I am truly blessed.

Yesterday my kids joined me as tour guides for a day of Austin Adventures. Despite living in the area for almost 20 years, there are so many "Austin" things I've never experienced.

We only made a dent in the list, but it was a great day, starting with brunch at Cherrywood Coffeehouse with my oldest, Tommy, and Andrew, a longtime friend of Tommy's from high school and college days…plus Andrew's beautiful wife and two precious kids.

I believe birthdays are for experiencing 'firsts', so I ordered a smoked crayfish omelette…my first time to eat crayfish. And it was yummy!

From there we picked up my other two kids and headed for the eclectic shops lining South Congress. Costumes, art, antiques, and lots of interesting junk.

There were also street musicians and food trailers! Oh, so many food trailers!

Still full from brunch, I settled on a 24 Carrot cupcake from the Hey Cupcake! trailer and shared it with the kids.

(Great timing! My future daughter-in-law was across the street at Home Slice with her best friend, on a break from wedding errands, so I even got to see her, which was like getting more cream cheese icing on my cupcake!)

From there we went to the highest spot in Austin – Mount Bonnell. By the time you drive there, it's only a few flights of stone steps to the top, where you get a gorgeous view of Lake Austin in one direction and the Austin skyline in the other.

It's not exactly mountain-climbing. But my kids zoomed ahead of me and I was out of breath by the time I joined them at the top.

I have an old, old, old postcard that features a photograph of the state capital from Mount Bonnell and wanted to reproduce it. So you can imagine how disappointed I was that someone had the gall to build something mostly blocking the capital from view. Sigh.

You can barely see the tip of the capital peeking up, but the University of Texas Tower is standing proud and unobstructed at least, there on the left.

When I saw that I was testing the patience of my kids with all of the photos of us that I asked strangers to take and the amazing views, we headed to our last stop: Rainey Street, a historic dictrict recently converted to a strip of bars and restaurants.

I was ready for something to eat and drink, but I confess the biggest draw for me to Rainey Street was Geraldine, a guinea fowl who lives in the area. She's been in the news, trying to warn people of her existence so she doesn't get run over. She even has her own Facebook page.

So you can imagine my excitement when, as soon as we pulled into a parking space, Daniel said "Hey, there's a guinea fowl pecking at the tires."

In a flash I was scrambling out of the car, telling her how pretty she was and snapping photos. Yes, I was star struck. Oh, if we had only known about her back when Frankie was alive. They would have made a beautiful couple!

I caught up to my kids and we headed into Craft Pride, where there's a mind-boggling selection of craft beers. My taste for beer is slowly recovering from the initial menopausal shock from a few years ago. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but it was fun sitting on the patio behind the bar, sipping on a beer and talking to my kids.

(That just seems so weird.)

After that, we wandered down the street, trying to decide where to eat. We picked the Javelina Bar, because Tommy had been there before. The food was great! (So were the Bloody Mary's. Hey, it was my birthday, and I had a designated driver!)

I have to thank my wonderful kids again for helping me celebrate my birthday. I've always had lots of fun with them, whether it was visiting the playground at McDonald's or the Natural Science Museum in Houston or the zoo, and it's still awesome to spend so much time with them.

If I never accomplish a single thing in my life, it's okay with me, because I played a part in bringing those three into this world. And that's something special. In a good way.

And then, would you believe the fun and celebrations continued today? I met some of my local Deer Park Divas at Jack Allen's Kitchen for an amazing brunch. (I swear I've gained 10 pounds this weekend!)

Gwen made a Red Velvet Cake and Darla solicited contributions for a gift card for me to buy some cowboy – er, cowgirl – boots. I've been trying and trying to win some through contests on Facebook, with no success. I think they felt sorry for me.

My friends are so sneaky and amazing and I love them all.

As I said, I am blessed. Amen.

And now for the official "Sweet!" list from the past week…

Monday: listening to the writings of 4th graders; the silky soft fur of a bunny rabbit; taking a break on a small terrace beside a little pond with your husband, listening to the birds sing above you and the trickle of a small waterfall

Tuesday: finishing a long walk with your puppies just before the rain begins; enjoying the sight, sound, and smell of a spring shower from the shelter of your porch; fewer mice turds in your car, indicating the party might be moving somewhere else; a day of much-needed heavy rain

Wednesday: recovering from your fright long enough to remove the little mouse hiding in your glove box and place it in the woods; gumbo with grilled shrimp and smoked duck for lunch on a rainy day; two days in a row of customers with British-y accents; no damage from the high winds that kept you awake the night before

Thursday: no more mouse poop in your car!; gathering with friends for a movie and dinner, especially when it's in honor of your birthday; movies starring Billy Crystal and Bette Midler

Friday: picking up your new $1 iPhone from the post office; amazing magic tricks performed by a high school student; {bittersweet} getting off work early enough to attend a friend's funeral

Saturday: your 54th birthday; brunch with your son and his friend; seeing your son's childhood friends all grown up, with kids of their own; exploring Austin with your kids as tour guides; the view of Austin from Mount Bonnell; Hey Cupcake; meeting Geraldine the Rainey Street Guinea Fowl

Sunday: pancakes after Mass; continuing your birthday celebration with sweet friends, a delicious brunch buffet, Bloody Mary's, and Red Velvet Cake; friends who pool funds together to get you something you couldn't afford to get yourself; Polish pottery; helping a friend celebrate her book release (Susie Kralovansky's "There Was a Tall Texan Who Swallowed A Flea"); an afternoon walk in warm sunshine with your puppies

I hope you all had a week full of sweet! moments! If you don't think you did, pay more attention! I swear, they're there!

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Five Things on Friday

April 5, 2013

1. "I'm off my game. I discovered a little mouse in my glove compartment this morning and didn't even think of taking its picture." That was my Facebook status on Wednesday.

Remember when I told you I discovered mouse turds all over my car Easter morning? Well, it became a morning ritual for me to clean up the mouse turds with duct tape every day after that, until Wednesday, when I pulled the hand sanitizer out of my glove box…and then noticed the tiny little mouse sitting in there.

I'll tell you our whole Mouse Saga later (I've been holding out on you) but suffice it to say, for now, that (after screaming and screaming and screaming) I moved the (terrified) little mouse to the woods by the tail and haven't had any mouse turds in my car since then. Whew.

I did regret not taking its picture.

2. I upgraded my iphone to a 4. It's charging right now. I can't wait to play with the camera. I heard the 4S was better, but I figured, for $1 versus $50, I could make do with the 4.

3. I have eaten two Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs every day since Easter. I love those things. I barely even feel guilty about it.

4. After several days of crazy, stormy weather, including hail and tornado warnings, and more rain than we've gotten in the past 6 months, the sun finally came out today… and I felt like something heavy was lifted off of my chest.

I wish my mood wasn't so dependent on sunshine. I'd never make it in the northeast.

5. Tomorrow is my 54th birthday!

Prairie Verbena scattered through a field like Easter eggs…much nicer than mouse turds scattered all over my car!

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A Note From Your Waiter: Do Not Call me Toots

April 4, 2013

Do not call me Toots.

My name is Barbara. If you forget it and need my attention, you can call me "ma'am", or say "excuse me" or "pardon me".

But Toots? Per Wikipedia, Toots is a slang term for "babe" or "sweetie" or "honey," or, more-negatively, "tart" or "prostitute."

Who, or what, do you think I am – or perhaps I should ask, who do you think you are – that you can be so disrespectful to a stranger?

I am a part-time waiter right now, because I need the extra money to help pay for my kids' college tuitions so I can afford my own…to support my writing and photography passions…to get me up and away from the computer I'm glued to the rest of the time, to be active and talk to people, which I love.

But waiting tables in a winery restaurant isn't my dream job, and I'm looking for something else, but what if it was? What if this was what I wanted to do the rest of my life? Serving people, helping them relax and enjoy themselves…there are worse jobs out there, far less enjoyable and rewarding. And if I make it look easy…well, believe me, it takes a set of skills that a lot of people do not have.

Oh, and if you arrive before the restaurant opens, please be patient. It will be a few minutes before your order can be taken because there are just some things that I need to take care of first…

The three women arrived early, before the restaurant opened for business. They were already seated at a table with water and menus, courtesy of our
office manager who works a normal 9 to 5 job, when I walked in and jumped right
to work, bringing up the computer so I could enter orders, pulling the reds
out of the chiller so they will be room temperature, tucking an order pad and
pen into my apron. They were younger than me. Early to mid-thirties, I guessed.

I was behind the counter preparing the register when one waved a menu at me and said "We're ready, Toots."

Toots? my ears repeated, asking themselves if they heard what they thought they heard.

"Okay, just a second," I somehow managed to say with a smile and not one ounce of saccharin sweetness.

I made sure to state my name, loud and clear, when I took their order. I treated them with respect, and they left large donations to the World of Children Fund, the nonprofit group we support in lieu of tips. And they didn't call me Toots again.

But speaking of children…

I'm all for taking your children out to eat with you. I know how confining life with small ones can be. Besides, what better way to teach them how to behave in a restaurant?

But if your children are still too young to learn, get a babysitter. Stay home. Or at the very least, accept your waiter's offer of a high chair so your little one doesn't wander around bothering other guests and touching breakable glassware and expensive vases…

This young couple had two precious little girls, one about 7 months old, the other about 2 years old. Despite several offers, they refused a high chair for the 2-year-old, instead allowing her to stand in the chairs or wander about the restaurant, unconcerned about the other patrons or the fragile wine glasses or silverware she was touching…until I uttered a warning out of fear she would hurt herself, which scared the little girl into staying close to her parents.

For awhile.

Still, they were a cute couple and I didn't have many other customers. There were no broken glasses, no falls from the chair, no complaints. And after they left with lots of tips from me about places to visit in Austin, and I was sweeping up all of the cracker and bread crumbs littering the floor under and around their table, I remembered another floor covered in crackers…

One evening when our oldest was in the high chair and saltine cracker stage, Tom and I had a serious craving for seafood, so we took a drive out to our favorite restaurant. By the time we left, a three foot radius around our son's high chair was covered in cracker crumbs.

I was mortified, but wasn't sure what to do, other than leave a large tip and not return until our kids were old enough to know that saltines were not edible playthings.

Ah, paybacks.

Which I guess means they'll get theirs some day, too, both the young couple and the woman who called me Toots. Just another circle of Life.

And that makes me smile, because I'm human, after all.

(Hey, wait a minute! I never called a waiter Toots. Just proof that Life is also unfair and has a warped sense of humor, I suppose.)
Coach Christine, Queen of the Cosmos

April 3, 2013

We could hear her screaming from the other side of the soccer field, giving directions, shouting encouragement, and even growling disapproval at bad calls, voicing our own outrage so effectively we didn't have to.

She was the epitome of a Mama Bear, fierce, loving, and protective of all of the girls on the Cosmos, TG's soccer team, equally. We were blessed to spend almost every weekend with her during soccer season for five years of our lives.

I knew her cancer wasn't responding to treatments. There was an open house a couple of weekends ago for friends to come and see her, but it was a long, tiring day at the winery and I decided I was too pooped and yucky to go that evening.

Instead, I decided I would grab TG and we would pay Christine a quick visit one evening the next week. I knew she'd want to see TG more than me, anyway. But that week sped by, and the next, without "finding the time"…and now it's too late to see her again in person, give her a last hug, and tell her thank you in person.

Because Christine passed away on Monday.

My good intentions lie dried out, crumbled in a pile of ashes before me, so learn from my mistake and grab yours into a bouquet while they're fresh. Carry them to the person you need to see again… the person you need to hug or kiss or say forgive me or thank you or whatever…because time doesn't bend to our convenience. It's on its own schedule and doesn't give a damn for ours.

Coach Christine was fierce, passionate, and all heart. I doubt her good intentions ever wilted even the teensiest bit.

I'm grateful she was a part of our lives, even though it was for a short time, and regretful that I didn't get to give her one last hug and thank you in person. She was an inspiration to me (and I'm sure to TG) and I'm better for knowing her.

Rest in peace, Coach…although I know you're really still there on the sidelines, pacing up and down, keeping an eye on those you love, giving support, encouragement, and protection. Your voice may have been silenced, but never your heart.
Alleluja!

March 31, 2013

"Because Christ rose from the dead, we know that sin and death and Satan have been decisively defeated."

~ Billy Graham

It rained today. Normally, that's not what you want on Easter Sunday, but when you're in the middle of a drought like we are, rain is an Easter blessing.

And then the sun came out this afternoon. Perfect!

I threw 'healthy' away this morning and fixed bacon and eggs for breakfast for my two boys and myself (blueberry muffins for Tom)…then I indulged in Reese's peanut butter eggs…and ate a delicious dinner which included ham AND lamb, potatoes au gratin, and cheesecake.

But being Easter, it was a day of celebration, not a day to worry about calories or arteries or, um, trying to fit into the clingy dress you bought for your son's wedding less than a month away. Hmmm.

Anyway…unfortunately, sometime during the night a bunch of field mice had a celebration of their own inside my car, leaving little mice turds everywhere! We have no idea how they got in…but thank goodness they got out again. I had to spend quite a bit of time today vacuuming and wiping down every surface (ugh!) and I'm just hoping they're through celebrating… at least in my car!

Despite the rain and the mouse turds, it was a gloriously sweet! Sunday. I hope it was for you, too.

Here are a few other sweet!s from the past week…

Monday: a friend who knows how to (possibly) recover your photos from your re-formatted camera card; bluebonnets popping up everywhere despite the dry winter

Tuesday: the full moon waiting up for you; margherita pizza; especially when you're really, really, really hungry; a package containing the new shoes you ordered waiting on your doorstep

Wednesday: a long walk with your puppies; a chorus of cardinals; writing; playing your drums; Macy's putting Keurig coffee makers on sale when your old pot is dying

Thursday: (almost) catching up on email; regaining your lost NEF photo files, thanks to your friend

Friday: decorating your house for Easter while listening to Third Day; Stations of the Cross outdoors; sharing funny videos with your son

Saturday: a walk with your puppies and grandpuppy before work; your sons helping you prepare dinner; playing ping-pong, listening to music on the back porch watching the sunset, then enjoying a movie with your sons after work

Sunday: Easter; making breakfast for your baby boys; a church overflowing with people singing Alleluja; sharing Easter dinner with friends; Easter egg hunts; wishing your baby girl Happy Easter, even if it's from a distance

A new month starts tomorrow, can you believe it? I hope it's a good one for you, full of sweet! moments!

"Jesus Christ is risen today…alleluja!
Five Things on (Good) Friday

March 29, 2013

1. Today is Good Friday, the day Christians around the world stop and consider the fact that an innocent person deliberately gave their life for them, out of love, even though they didn't ask him to and they did nothing to deserve it. Very sobering.

But leave it to my friend Jim "Suldog" Sullivan to make me laugh about it. Go HERE to read his post about Good Friday.

2. I'm not sure how it happened, but earlier this week my computer and I somehow miscommunicated, resulting in a whole file of photos vanishing. I spent hours researching how to recover them, tried a few things with no luck, and finally spent $17 on a program called FileJuicer that managed to retrieve jpeg copies of my files.

I lamented the loss on Facebook, where a photographer friend/neighbor of mine told me he could retrieve the files from my card, even though I had already reformatted it. I tried not to get my hopes up, but hallelujah! he did it! All of the RAW photos were once again on my card, plus he gave me a copy of the program he used: Rescue Pro by Sandisk. And all it cost me was a 12-pack of Budweiser!

I call him Saint Bruce now. (Check out his beautiful photography at Bruce Coville Photography. The photo on the main page is the view of Lake Travis from his house.)

This is one of the files he saved. Every time I leave Houston I see this message and vow to capture it "next time". I finally remembered (eyes always on the road, don't worry!) and then promptly lost the file. Thanks again for rescuing it, Bruce!

3. My birthday is only a week and a day away. Last year my friends and family surprised me with the gorgeous iMac in front of me right now, telling me to use it to finish my book.

Well, I haven't, and I feel guilty.

4. Macy's put their Keurig coffeemakers on sale… almost half price, with a rebate! Since my old one kept bleeding all over my counter, I decided it was a sign I should get one. Happy birthday to me!

So far I'm loving it. I splurged and bought the little filter you can put your own coffee into. I drink way too much coffee to afford using those fancy k-cups all the time. They're only for company and emergencies!

5. I get to see 2/3 of my kids this weekend. 1/3 has tests next week and worried she wouldn't study if she came home. Sigh. But good decision. I guess.

Since half of the 2/3 is here already (plus my grandpuppy!) I'm finishing this up so I can go spend time with him. I hope you have a beautiful Easter weekend!

The outdoor Stations of the Cross at my church was finished enough for a group of us to make our way around this afternoon. Such a beautiful place. Easter blessings to all of you!
Aging with grace. What does that mean, anyway?

March 27, 2013

I stepped into the classroom of second graders and made my way to the teacher’s desk. “Are you someone’s grandmother?” one little munchkin asked.

“No, I’m the substitute teacher,” I said with forced smile, trying to recover from such a fierce Reality Check that early in the morning, and making myself promise not to hold a grudge against that little…um, cutie pie.

I turn 54 in less than two weeks…indeed, quite old enough to be someone’s grandmother. If you’re 55 or older, you’re probably calling me a baby. But if you’re 40 or younger, I’m sure 54 sounds as old to you as it looked to that second-grader. I remember when it sounded old to me, too.

But I don’t feel old. In so many ways I feel the same as I did at 5 and 10 and 18, and in those moments when I said “I do” and held each of my babies for the very first time.

When I was facing 50, time took on new meaning. The hour glass was more empty than full, and not only had I wasted a lot of it, but I could see what was left slipping away, seemingly faster and faster.

It made me think about aging. What it meant to me. How I wanted it to look on me.

I decided I wanted to be able to enjoy whatever time I had left. I knew the road ahead was full of physical potholes, so I focused on getting healthy, from the inside out. I felt guilty for taking my body for granted for so many years and vowed to treat it right from then on.

I became my own best friend, accepting the good and bad, my weaknesses and strengths, likes and dislikes. I developed high expectations for myself, but also cut myself some slack. I focused on finding balance, although it’s still a struggle. Work. Play. Time alone. Time with friends and family. Giving. Taking.

I refused to give into the stereotypes, the standard expectations of what it means to be an older woman, of what’s considered “proper”. I decided to shake things up in my life, to stretch and appreciate all aspects of myself, to discover and expand the talents God gave me.

In the process I discovered a sense of freedom and excitement and joy that I’d never known.

So as I head into another year, I’ll just continue being me, who wears jeans, loves to dance, and wants to keep learning till the day she dies.

Because aging with grace just means living with grace, whether you’re celebrating your first birthday or your 100th.

I wish I’d started sooner.

This is my contribution to GenerationFabulous’s latest blog hop on what aging gracefully means to us. Go HERE to see the other contributions.

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One Night in a Parking Lot…

March 26, 2013

Scintilla Project Day 14: We exert control over ourselves and others in many ways. Talk about a time when you lost that control. This can go beyond the obvious emotional control into things like willpower, tidiness, self-discipline, physical prowess – any time that you felt your autonomy slipping away.

I sat on the hood of my car in the empty strip center parking lot, moping. Hoping my boyfriend would regret our fight and follow me out of the disco across the street.

A gangly teenage boy emerged from the shadows at the end of the strip center, headed my direction. I didn't feel a tingle down my neck. No sense of danger, whatsoever. I mean, he looked harmless. Pretty skinny. And deep in my heart I believed if I was nice to someone, they would be nice back.

I think he asked for a cigarette. Or maybe directions to somewhere. It doesn't really matter; I didn't have whatever he asked for, and time – or perhaps shock – has erased a lot of the details.

What I do remember is him telling me to give him the keys to my car, and me telling him no, and gripping them vise-like in my hand and jumping down, and wondering how he got behind me with one arm around my neck and the other trying to pry the keys out of my hand, and fighting him, and praying he couldn't peel my fingers off of them, and realizing he was a lot stronger than I would have thought with those skinny arms of his, and being surprised I couldn't break the hold he had on me, and

screaming, screaming, screaming…

And then he let go. I watched him run into a field beside the parking lot that bordered a neighborhood and fade into the darkness. Whether it was my screaming or my guardian angel or something else that made him run, I'll never know.

I had the club doorman find my boyfriend. Concern replaced the irritation on his face when he heard what happened. He made a cursory search of the field, then told me to go home.

That night I discovered there were limits to the power of 'nice', limits to my physical strength, limits to my boyfriend's concern for me. There were shadows in the kodachrome world of my childhood.

But I also discovered there was no limit to the strength inside me that refused to give in or give up or let go, whether it's my life on the line, as I'm sure it was that night, or my family, my future, my dreams…

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