Long Hollow

Retreat! and Silver Linings

February 3, 2013

I took a quick overnight road trip with a friend Friday. We stayed in cute little apartments with screened porches set in a woodsy area full of walking paths… a great place to take deep breaths and relax and take a break from the rest of the world. There was wine, laughter, and great conversation.

It was my first Catholic retreat and I loved it!

We gathered with our priest and the rest of our church pastoral, finance, and facilities council members, at Cedarbrake, a retreat center outside of Belton, Texas, that's owned and operated by the Austin Catholic Diocese. We were there to work on focus and team-building.

The word 'retreat' often seems negative, triggering images of running away in fear instead of facing problems head-on. But to retreat from whatever pressures are weighing on you, for even a few hours, can be a life-saving move, especially if you've lost your sense of direction or your physical, mental, or spiritual arsenal is depleted.

Just as time spent alone with yourself is important, if you're a member of any kind of partnership or group – marriage, families, friendships, even business associates – I think you need to step away together every once in awhile for a break from the routine pressures you're bombarded with, to strengthen your bonds and stock up that arsenal of love and compassion and forgiveness, don't you think?

Tuesday night I joined some friends for Chinese food and a movie. We saw "Silver Linings Playbook" with Robert DeNiro and Bradley Cooper (and a bunch of other great actors!)

I had no expectations going in because I'd only seen little clips of it and had no real idea what it was about. But I really loved this movie, and not just because Bradley Cooper has such dreamy blue eyes. Have you seen them…I mean it?

Cooper's character has, well, some major issues, but to help him deal with life and move forward, he is trying to focus on the silver lining in every situation. It reminded me of looking for those sometimes elusive sweet! moments of each day. That could be why I liked it so much.

(Plus those blue eyes.)

But it's gotten several Academy Award nominations, so obviously other people agree with me.

This has been a fast week, and the next one is going to fly by even faster. I'm doing my best to keep my eyes open for those sweet! moments, but I'm afraid a few still slip past. Here are the ones I noticed this week…

Monday: the pre-dawn silence of your hollow; a friend dropping in to see your folks at the hospital; teenagers with good manners; a dog curled up, waiting for you by your front door; your dad's release from the hospital; a summery evening on your porch in the middle of winter

Tuesday: an easy day at work; Chinese food and a movie with friends; Bradley Cooper's blue eyes

Wednesday: support from your friends when you step out on a limb; an afternoon with your daughter, even if it's just a trip to the grocery store; $400 in free jewelry

Thursday: sleeping in; a day spent totally at home; time for writing

Friday: Internet service, especially after losing it when your old modem dies; a road trip with a friend; the chance to get to know members of your church council better

Saturday: Mass in a small chapel tucked into the woods; team-building sessions; a reflective walk through a labyrinth; the amazing way your husband sculpts stones for a terrace near your little pond

Sunday: a morning walk with your puppies before Mass; kneeling in prayer beside your husband; sunlight streaming through stained glass; a husband who changes the oil in your car to make sure you're safe on a road trip to your parents

Every year we go to our friends' house for a big Super Bowl party, where I mostly sit at a table gabbing, catching up with friends, eating ribs and chili so spicy my mouth feels like it's on fire, with only an occasional glance at the television (usually for a commercial.)

But this year I'm hitting the road (again) for a quick visit with my parents, to make sure my mom gets to a doctor appointment tomorrow. So there's a chance I might actually watch the Super Bowl tonight if I get there in time. I'm sure that's what will be on my parents' television!

Will you be watching and rooting for anyone? I hope no matter who wins, you have a great Sunday, full of sweet! moments! (To my blog friends…I'm hoping to get around to visit you soon! Thank you for your patience with me!)
Here I Go Again (a BlogHer Book Club review)

February 1, 2013
Think about your life.

If you found a way to go back in time to some point in it, would
you try to change anything? Would you take advantage of the chance for a
do-over? Perhaps swallow some angry words you've always wished you could take
back?

Or would you leave things just as they are?

I've been thinking about that as I read Here I Go Again by
Jen Lancaster for the BlogHer Book Club.

For years I said I had no regrets, that I wouldn't change a thing if I had the chance because of my wonderful husband and kids. I've had my share of downs, but overall, I love my life. I'm blessed and I know it.

But the truth is I do have some regrets, and if I had the chance, I'd high-tail it back to the fall of 1977, breakup with my then-boyfriend and attend all of my college classes, instead of driving to Galveston and moping on the seawall about how bad things were in my life right then. (Why do some of us do that, make bad situations worse by creating new problems for ourselves?)

Without the distraction of a cheating boyfriend chipping away at my self-esteem, and by keeping up with my classes, I think dropping out a year later would never have crossed my mind.

I would still have met Tom, because I believe it was part of God's plan for us to be together. (I don't think it was His original plan for me to drop out – I think He just cleaned up what I messed up. He's good at that. Lots of practice, unfortunately.)

With a Chemical Engineering degree in hand, I could still have gone to work at the DuPont chemical plant, where I made so many great friends.

But since I'm not a character in a novel like Lissy Ryder, the main character of Here I go Again who does get a chance for a do-over, I'll just give thanks that God is able to make the best of our bad decisions if we let Him.

Lissy is a former high school mean girl, all grown up and dealing with the
fruits of her lifelong sharp tongue and selfish ways. She is forced to move
back in to her childhood home when her husband files for divorce and she loses
her Public Relations job.

Her twenty-year high school reunion approaches and, when she sees
that many of her former classmates are huge successes, she gets the idea of
starting her own PR company and soliciting business at the reunion.

Unfortunately, but understandably, all of her classmates despise
her. Even her sweet, long-suffering best friend Nicole finally dumps her on one
of those former classmates when Lissy gets drunk at the reunion.

But thanks to
that classmate, Lissy is able to relive a few weeks of her high school senior year, where she makes better decisions and manages to be a
kinder, gentler version of her previous seventeen-year-old self.

Waking up in the new present, she's pleased to find that
everything has gone her way this time. She's rich, the owner of a highly successful PR
company, and still happily married.

Of course, the butterfly effect being
what it is, everything isn't as great as it seems at first…but I won't divulge anymore
in case you decide to read it yourself, which I think you should just because it's so funny.

I did have a few issues with it:
- Lancaster implies that all Homecoming and Prom Queens are mean
  snobs. As a former Homecoming and Prom Queen, I disagree. (I hope my classmates
  do, too!)
- She says (through Lissy) that having children makes you look old before your
  time. Obviously, I disagree with that, as well.
- A few plot parts felt manipulated. My critique group would have torn those apart.
- Other than Lissy and her mother, the dialogue and characters were indistinctive.
- Oh, and for some reason one character ends up bald after Lissy's trip back in time because in the new future he's in a bad marriage. Huh?
But overall I enjoyed it. It kept me turning the pages to see what
was going to happen next. I felt it was thought provoking, triggering a lot of
what-ifs.

And, as I said, it was just funny! Lissy is telling the story and her running commentary is bold and hilarious. I laughed enough that I forgave Lancaster
for assuming I must be a mean snob since I was voted Homecoming Queen.

If you get a chance to read it, I think you'll
enjoy it. If nothing else, you'll give thanks your high school years are behind you.

What about you? Is there anything you would change if you could travel back in time?

P.S. This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are totally my own. Join the discussions on the book here.
On A Windy Day

January 30, 2013

A brisk north wind roared through the hollow this morning, whisking cobwebs from the corners of my brain and slapping my face with its cold hands, saying "Wake up! Look around at this glorious morning! Isn't it great to be alive?"

I love the wind.

It has felt like spring the past few days, and I was happy for the change in temperature. Nothing against spring or summer – I love them both dearly – but I'm surprised to find I also love winter and have been missing her.

(Okay, I realize to all of you northerners occasional lows in the 30's doesn't seem like "winter", but if you're in Texas it does!)

Belle was all energy, bounding and jumping and wallowing, and Max could hardly slow to a walk, which meant I had to jog to keep up, and I'm sure that was quite a sight with me all bundled up in my winter coat.

The wind became a cloud artist with the brilliant blue sky its palette, swirling them into different designs. (small stone #30)

I love clouds.

Today was my first day off in eight days and I relished it by taking the puppies on a longer walk than usual. We didn't surprise any porcupines, and didn't even see any birds to speak of, except for a few doves we flushed.

Max chased some field mice, though (mercifully invisible to me in the tall grass.) I love to watch him, with his ears full forward tilt, hoping stiff-legged forward through the grass, full of hope.

I headed downtown full of hope myself a few hours later (but ears down) to hand deliver a job application. It's a position that seems a great fit for all of the skills I've gathered along my eclectic work-journey.

I hope they think so, too. Specifically, I hope they think my 20+ years of experience will be equal to the degree and 5 years experience they mentioned in the ad. Gulp.

Yeah, it's a long shot, but you can't be afraid to go out on the limb. That's where the fruit is, right?

(I realize this is not technically a limb, and the fruit is probably poisonous to humans, but I think those little berries, whatever they are, are so pretty, don't you? They give a splash of va-voom to the usual drab green and brown winter. Hope you're finding some va-voom, too!)

(P.S. Thank you all so much for your prayers for my Daddy. He was finally released from the hospital Monday, and from what my mother tells me, is back to his old self…even driving to the grocery store yesterday. yikes. Please continue praying for them! I'm going to try to persuade them to move closer to us so I can be more help.)

(I just realized I've included more parentheses than normal in this post. I'm blaming it on that full moon!)

Linking up with Lissa's…
Gratitude (and other sweet!s)

January 27, 2013

My dad is still in the hospital following his little stroke earlier this week, but he's stable and should be able to go home tomorrow.

However, considering his health history and his stubborn determination to no longer follow the heart/diabetic healthy diet he's followed for a couple of decades, I doubt this is the last emergency trip to the hospital he's going to take.

My older son drove down yesterday to check on them. Twenty-seven years ago they were taking care of him (while I worked) and now he's taking care of them (while I work.)

What a beautiful circle.

I appreciate all of your prayers for Daddy, as well as all of the advice and encouragement you sent me after my last post. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do, but you've given me so much to consider when making my decision. Thank you so much, sweet friends!

It's been an up-and-down, exhausting week, but each day still offered plenty of sweet! moments, nonetheless. I hope you're still finding plenty, too! Share them in the comments!

Sunday: new wine, fresh from the barrel; the half moon and a sky full of stars guiding you home after an evening of laughter and tears with dear friends; a glimpse of deer and a ringtail in your headlights

Monday: sleeping in; your son joining you on your morning walk with the puppies and helping you take down your Christmas tree; moonlight on a caliche road and tin roof

Be
like the bird that, pausing in her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath
wings.

~Victor Hugo

Tuesday: a glimpse of a cardinal, first thing in the morning; a hawk soaring through a cloudless azure sky; sore muscles; remembering to pick up your puppy's dog food on your way home from work

Wednesday: a walk in the fog; brick oven roasted veggies; relaxing after work with a glass of wine on a patio overlooking a vineyard; baby steps on your book

Thursday: an invitation to join an online group of women writers; high school students who are courteous and respectful; cell phones so you can keep up with news of your dad's latest mini-stroke even though you're miles away

Friday: news that your dad is stable and hearing his voice via speakerphone; the full moon rising; daydreaming about returning to college

Saturday: a chocolate cake-ball-on-a-stick; a face-to-face moment with a deer on your caliche road, even if you're not able to capture it with your camera; your son making a road trip to see your parents in the hospital; friends asking about your dad; a text from a friend reminding you there's a full moon, because it made her think of you; dramatic clouds swirling around a full moon

Sunday: your husband taking over your dog-feeding duties to give you a little free time before work; singing "How Great Thou Art"; a job tip from a friend; a beautiful surprise visitor in your yard when you get home from church; a gift of song from a dear friend

Our surprise visitor, Rico, who lives up the road. Can you believe he's 12?
Choices, Decisions, and Foggy Roads

January 25, 2013

A thick blanket of fog settled on the Hollow every morning earlier this week. Heading out on my walks, I could only see a few steps ahead before the fog obscured the path.

Isn't that the perfect metaphor for life, that our paths are hidden, clouded by so many unknowns? And yet we know there's still a path, even if we can't see for sure where it is leading us. All that is clear is this moment and perhaps a few seconds beyond, before the future becomes veiled. There's nothing to do but put one foot ahead of the other, keep moving forward, with faith that we'll make good decisions and end up where we're supposed to be.

I've been thinking about choices lately, triggered by my dad being rushed to the hospital again night before last following another mini-stroke. I can't run down there this time to see him or help my mom; I can't afford to take off work.

Tinged with guilt, my mind wants to drift to "what-if"s…

…What if I hadn't dropped out of college? What if I had continued taking college classes when we first moved instead of putting it off until the house was built ten years later, when we were facing tuition x 3 for the kids? What if I had snagged something full-time years ago instead of juggling all those part-time jobs while the kids were in school?

Would we be so stressed about money now? Would I be retired, able to pursue writing and photography at my leisure as a second career, and run down to help my parents whenever they needed me?

Perhaps. But perhaps not. I mean, really, flirting with remorse over what-ifs is such a waste of time, isn't it? The path was just as foggy then as it is today. And at least I thought I was making good decisions. I had a plan…the path just didn't go in the direction I thought it would.

And what about my parents? What if they had moved near us as we hoped? What if Daddy would take his medicine and eat the way he's supposed to to control his blood sugar? Other people's decisions often affect us as much as our own.

And now I'm peering into the fog, with more decisions to make. Tom suggested I go back to school full-time. He figures two years should do it. But, as the one who pays the bills, I know how tight we're already stretched. I mean, we're jumping-up-and-down-to-get-our-jeans-on tight.

Maybe you can get a scholarship for being old, a little voice whispers, and I feel a flame of hope flare in my heart that I thought was completely snuffed…the one that dreams of getting a degree.

But then what? Would I teach? Would I be able to get a job, even with a degree, at my age? Would I have time for my writing and photography, or have to put those on a shelf for awhile?

Decisions, decisions. Will this fog ever lift?

To decide is to walk facing forward with nary a crick in your neck from looking back at the crossroads.

~Betsy Cañas Garmon

************************************************

P.S. Thanks to Vanessa for reminding me of this prayer by Thomas Merton…

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen.
Empty Spaces, Cedar Fever, and a Handful of Stones

January 22, 2013

There's a big empty space in my living room now. My middle son came home this weekend and helped me pack up the memories and cart the tree downstairs to its place in the storage room. (Daniel also helped Tom cut and carry firewood. We love it when he comes home!)

Usually my rocking chair sits in that empty space the rest of the year, the old wooden one we bought at Sears in my first pregnancy…the one I spent hours in, rocking my babies in the middle of the night. As we do every year, we moved it into my library/office to make room for the tree.

I'm thinking of keeping it there; I need a place to sit and read, and I love rocking in it, even if I don't have a baby to soothe to sleep.

Rocking is good for the soul at any age, don't you think? And I didn't rock nearly enough when the chair sat in the living room.

Actually, I feel like I have a big empty space in my head right now, too, thanks to a blossoming case of Cedar Fever… or maybe it's from the antihistimines I'm taking to combat it.

It's mating season for Ashe Junipers, commonly called mountain cedars, and we're surrounded by them; the slightest breeze makes pollen explode from the trees in huge clouds that drift straight to your nose and eyes, making you sneeze and wheeze and want to scratch your eyes out.

Alas, these warm winter days I love makes the pollen even more amorous!

I blame my antihistimine/Cedar Fever brain fog that I haven't posted this handful of small stones yet…

#19: The sun drops behind the hills, splashing salsa on a blue-corn-tortilla-sky.

# 20: Spending time with old friends helps patch the worn spots on the fabric of your soul.

# 21: Under the moon's eye, even the road whispers.

# 22: Treetops, drizzled with sunlight.

#22.5 Fresh blooms, budding trees, and the smell of new-mown grass, wrapped in the trill of bird song, a gift of spring in the middle of winter.

I took the above photo this morning…our typical path right smack dab in the middle of those dang cedars. But as miserable as they make me, and as much as everyone curses them, I love them, if only for the splashes of green they offer when everything else has gone gray and dormant.

Have you picked up any small stones lately? Please share!
Rejection (and other sweet!s)

January 19, 2013

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."

~ James 1:2-3

I received another "sorry, you're not the right person for this job" email earlier this week. It was for one that I knew – well, I was pretty sure – I would find interesting and that I would be good at, but I didn't even make it to the interview stage!

I just know if I could interview for these jobs I'd get hired. Is that arrogant of me?

But at least this company had the courtesy to let me know I wasn't chosen. There are so many who don't acknowledge your application one way or another. Rude.

It's an humbling experience to hit so many brick walls. Until recently, I've never been turned down for a position. In fact, I was asked to apply for most of the jobs I've had over the past twenty years.

I'm not giving up, though. I can't afford to, of course, but I do believe there's a job out there waiting for me, a door that's creaking open even as I type this. Yes, rejections can be a good thing. (I'll keep telling myself that.)

In the meantime, I'm grateful for my part-time jobs at the winery and the school district (but I do hope all of the teachers suffering from the flu get well soon!) I'm grateful for photography gigs and photo sales and jewelry parties and book reviews that put a little more jingle in my pocket.

Besides rejection and little paychecks, I've had a few more sweet! moments this past week…

Tuesday: the first customer of the day at the bistro where you're working is one of your dear friends; your paycheck plus some; witnessing the sacrament of Confirmation for 30 teenagers

Wednesday: a wide open day at home to work on your book and your to-do's; playing your drums for the first time in weeks, and having it all come back to you; a Cheshire-Cat moon grinning through the trees with a silvery smile (small stone #17)

Thursday: watching the sun wash over the hollowa sun-warmed car on a cold morning; a day of errands with your baby girl; being reunited with your 26-year-old watch after its battery was replaced; dental insurance; new orthotics; the silhouette of hills against a salmon and blue sunset; a new book to review

Friday: the creativity and passion of high school student-writers; paychecks when bills are due; learning you're not the only one who still has her Christmas tree up; joining others to celebrate the life and passing of a friend

Saturday: waking without an alarm clock to another beautiful sun-filled day; puppies staring at you through a window, waiting patiently for breakfast or a walk; your husband taking you to and from work, so that you can gaze out the window at the beauty of the Texas hill country; iPhones and Instagram; laughing with your son over the silliness of "The Color of Magic" part 2

“You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”

~ Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men

Have you ever had bad luck later reveal itself as good luck?
My Tree…

January 18, 2013

…glitters with innocence and paper plate angels. It wears a garland of memories of young love and first Christmases, and droops with the weight of salt dough snowmen, whimsy, friendship, and love.

small stone #18

It's time to say goodbye.

I've spent most of the evening tucking red and green back into big cardboard boxes.

Maybe it's because I procrastinated decorating for Christmas so long, but I've felt a little melancholy putting it all away.

I'm not quite tired of the snowmen and Santas and angels…and memories.

All that's left is the tree.

I decided to leave it until tomorrow evening, when I can take my time and treat each ornament with loving care.

They deserve more than a hasty goodbye!

(Am I the only one with a tree still sparkling in the corner of their livingroom?)
Sea of Grass

January 16, 2013

Surrounded by bare branches so still I could believe they are doodles on a pencil-smudged-gray sky, I stand in a sea of grass that bows down, unmoving, waiting.

The earth holds its breath.

Fence posts lean like old men, weathered gray and full of stories.

I'm still collecting small stones like the ones above, although I haven't had much time on the computer to share them.

We've had a lot of gray days, can you tell?

To warm you up, here's a photo of Belle. She is pure sunshine-joy!

It is impossible for gray skies to seep too deep inside with that wiggly, grinning, leaping puppy around!

Linking up with Lissa's…
Surprise! and other sweet!s

January 14, 2013

I can't believe it.

I surprised my friend Darla with a Diva gathering in her honor at my house this past weekend. Ten women who graduated from high school with us piled into my house for a slumber party, one even driving from Louisiana to be here. Many more who couldn't attend still donated money for a Williams-Sonoma gift card.

It feels good to pay her back, even if it was just a drop in the bucket; she has been a huge cheerleader for my writing and photography for years and has given me so many sweet birthday surprises I can't even count them anymore.

Her husband was in on it, of course, along with about 50 high school girlfriends who have been private-messaging about it for months. Considering that, it is truly amazing she didn't catch on, isn't it? (If she did, she needs to consider a career move to the stage!)

There were tons of tiny sweet!s while they were here, but I'm not going to share them all because…

Hehehe.

That little plate was a hostess gift from of those dear friends, along with the Diva wine coozie above and this cork holder below. Sweet!

And now for more sweet!s of the past week…

Tuesday: rain tap-dancing on my umbrella; finally completely cleaning out and organizing your old roll top desk after thinking about it for five years; finishing up an editing job for a recent photo shoot; the gratitude of outside puppies who are allowed inside on a stormy day; hanging out at home all day with your baby girl

Wednesday: a second day of rain during a long drought; working in a high school library with a view of the mist-covered hills; watching new episodes of Modern Family with your daughter

Thursday: a second day in the high school library but with a view of sunny skies; student dioramas of The Hobbit; plotting a surprise party for a dear friend

Friday: a day of errands with your daughter, even if it's just getting her flu shot, stopping at Chick-Fil-A, and grocery shopping; your daughter's help getting your house ready for guests

Saturday: your baby girl's smile lingering in your heart after you drop her back off at college; laughing in the kitchen with forever friends; pulling off a surprise birthday party for a dear friend; hostess gifts; pineapple martinis and mini-Monte Cristo sandwiches; a husband who will drop what he's doing to take a photo of you and your girlfriends; slumber parties, at any age

Sunday: hanging out in your pajamas for hours, yakking with girlfriends; chilling on a rock with your dogs and camera in the middle of the woods on a crisp winter day; writing groups; not getting upset when the edits to your blog post disappear, meaning you'll have to start all over

Monday: a glimpse of the Great Blue Heron just after dawn; working with special needs kids all day; a call from your sister and text from a friend; the fire in the wood-burning stove starting easily

Despite the sweet! moments of my past week, there were some tough ones, too. Our community lost two awesome people in unrelated incidents. I considered both of them friends, but so did almost everyone else around here. I'm really, really going to miss their faces and still have a hard time believing they have passed from this world.

Rest in peace, Mary and Frank.

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