In desperation

searching for answers

you make a decision

plot a course

feeling divinely inspired

so sure this is it

the answer

then at the threshold

too late to turn back

you discover a pit

self-doubt, worry, fear

what if this isn't the answer?

what if, instead, this makes it worse

creates more knots

a bigger snowball

suffocation and loss, rather than freedom?


Those are the thoughts in my heart and head today.

Time to move on, step-by-step, tune them out as much as possible and pray this is the right direction.

These words from Thomas Merton will help…


My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 

 

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10 responses to “Have you ever…”

  1. Brenda Avatar
    Brenda

    This posting has me worried about you. I hope you get things sorted out in your mind, and I’m always here if you need to talk. Love you!

    Like

  2. walker Avatar

    I think it’s always difficult to take that first step, of acknowledging that things are challenging. I applaud your boldness and offer support if you need it. But, I think you’re in good hands.

    Like

  3. beth Avatar

    all of these words are sitting in my heart….i wish i knew what path i was on and inkling to what my future will bring me….

    Like

  4. Wolf Pascoe Avatar

    White Out
    The moment before
    the cloud settles on me
    and everything turns white,
    I look back
    on the familiar world,
    the path that leads
    up the mountain,
    the line of treetops
    to the disappearing
    ridge,
    and think
    that it’s possible
    to turn back.
    Or, worse come to worst,
    I’ll wait right here:
    I tell myself
    it’s all a painting,
    a dress rehearsal,
    a first draft.

    Like

  5. Gail Avatar

    Barbara, I hope and pray that you and your family are okay. Even though this post was tinged with pain, you express yourself so beautifully. Changes are always difficult and challenges lurking around the corner; it’s how we deal with those things that either make us or break us. Saying a little prayer that you get over this hump in the road and return to your peaceful, happy self. May God steady you with His mighty grip.

    Like

  6. Barbara Shallue Avatar

    Thank you for your sweet words and prayers, Gail!

    Like

  7. Barbara Shallue Avatar

    I like those images, Wolf. Thank you. I'm behind on your blog right now because I haven't had a chance to watch that video. Hoping to tomorrow!

    Like

  8. Barbara Shallue Avatar

    Thank you, Walker!

    Like

  9. Barbara Shallue Avatar

    Thank you, Walker!

    Like

  10. Juana Avatar

    Dear Barbara, it’s 4:05 A.M. and I am reading this post. You don’t know how well I understand your words… I hate that you are going through anything this hard, “suffocation” is a feeling I know too well…and it brings so much pain!
    I will be praying for you. If you ever need to let it out, I am a private e-mail away. I am a good listener…
    Love you, take care and I will be praying for you. Everything will be alright…

    Like

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